Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
