I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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