Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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