I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
