No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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