Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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