She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Randomize
