My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
