I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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