remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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