...so i touched it.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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