I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
