20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
