my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
