Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
