we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
