xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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