This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
