The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
