I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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