her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My ass is underappreciated
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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