I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
