He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You pole danced in your parka.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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