I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
