I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
