she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
