Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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