Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
