the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
