I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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