Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
