My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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