Your face is a jimmy john
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
