That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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