I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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