I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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