Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm really busy with my period
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