I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
