would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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