I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
