As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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