That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
