Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My ATM looks so different sober.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
