Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just threw up on my dentist
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
