I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
