Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Randomize
