i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
