Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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