So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
