I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
