i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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