Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i think i just lost a toe
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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