i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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